Leaving Las Vegas
by Dax Montana on Oct.08, 2005, under General
The latest Blogmeet in Helen was a great time but it wasn’t without its share of drama. Sometimes it’s the little things, the turn of a phrase, a glimpse of an image, or an errant aroma that sticks with you. Sometimes these things overpower the experience casting a dark shadow upon the otherwise good time, that was the case last weekend. Along with the music, and partying, and conversation, nine little words have stuck with me. These words have perhaps become the mantra for the entire Blogmeet. These words have been haunting me for the past week.
I can’t believe that it’s coming up on five years. Five years of being a Blogger and being a part of the Blog community. It was only four years ago that I ventured out into the North Georgia mountains to meet another Blogging soul and start this Jawja Blogmeet phenomena. I had been reading Gut Rumbles on Blogspot for several months. I first found Rob and enjoyed his witty banter and political acumen. He was quick to “fisk” a troll and even quicker to post of his pain of cancer and divorce. I was fixated on the story of his life and what had brought the man to this point in it. I had to go out into the night and meet this crazy fucker.
We had somehow formed a bond, a kinship with each other. Being boys from the South we immediately had common ground. In the early days, we were the only ones linking to each other and surprised and astounded when we garnered thirty hits in a single day. As time went on and posts built up, Rob went on to become a “tall dog” in the Blogosphere. I have remained relatively unknown. I’m ok with my place in the Blog world. It is what it is. While I wallow in obscurity, Acidman has gone on to a much grander position. However, notoriety came with a price, trolls and de-linkings, Blog feuds, and stalkings.
I guess I owe a lot to the Acidman. I appreciate the links he throws my way. I appreciate the Bloggers who use his Blogroll to get to my Blog. But most of all I appreciate the other relationships I have made in the Blogosphere. Gut Rumbles was the hub, the center of the Jawja Bloggers. We all came together, at least initially, to meet the Acidman. We had to meet the man whose life we follow everyday.
I read about the cancer, the divorce from the bloodless cunt, the fix a flat kit. I followed along with the tales of the bionic Roscoe, Saturdays with Quint, and the job loss due to his Blog. I was with him while his wife stripped him of visitation. I was with him while his momma lay dying. I am with him now as he lies dying. We all know he is dying don’t we?
That is what is has stuck with me from that weekend in Helen. I have been watching Rob Smith’s life for the past five years. He was once rough tough and hard to bluff. Now he is but a shell of a man barely able to stand up to take a piss anymore. I am sad, so very sad.
I am angry too. Yes, we read that he doesn’t have an appetite anymore, that he can’t hold food down, that he can’t stand anymore. That’s the Blog talk. That’s the facade. That’s the trickery. Those of us who were in Helen know the truth and I’m calling him out. The truth is that Rob is a drunk. He can’t keep food down because the booze has to come up. Pills and liquor has that effect on a person. Fact of the matter is that Acidman isn’t just dying. He’s slowly killing himself and he is taking us all along for the ride. He is full of shit! At one time he said that his Blog saved his life. Now he is using it to showcase his slow miserable death. He claims to be fearless, yet he’s afraid of life, of living. He’s just too got-damned stubborn to admit it. He ain’t gonna change either. That’s just the way it is.
So next year about this time, I won’t be with my fellow Jawja Bloggers in Helen. I’ll be sitting on the headstone of Rob Smith. I’ll smoke a few Marlboros, chug a beer or two, and toss back a red-headed slut in his memory. I might have a few friends around me too. We’ll take a few pictures then head back home to Blog about it. Life will go on; Blogs will go on only Gut Rumbles will disappear and be but another broken link on some Blogroll somewhere on the internet.
Oh yea, those nine little words Acidman uttered to me before he left Helen, “This is leaving Las Vegas man. I’m leaving Las Vegas!” then I snapped this picture.
Just Damn!
October 8th, 2005 on 6:17 pm
Sometimes people just don’t understand my friend Rob. A few years ago, he thought he was dying of cancer, just like his dad and some very close friends of his did. He had that taken care of and he maybe thinking it’s coming back. I have known Rob for 27 years and his dad a few years longer, you are not going to tell them what to do. He is his own man, if he gets sick enough and has to go to the doctors, he will. I just called Rob and he said it maybe something new. Rob has several true friends that will do anything we can for him. I check on him at lest once a week and he also calls me. Thanks Dax for having feelings for Rob, he likes you also. We will try and do our best with Rob, Cat
October 8th, 2005 on 7:06 pm
I’ve met Rob once. But before meeting him, I was familiar with his essence, his spirit. And I fell in love with him. Not the romantic type of love, but the “this is my friend, whom I would take a bullet for” kind of love. The thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes…for I, too, saw his frailty when I met with him at Cat’s house.
As I write this, tears stream my face. I have watched too many people destroy their lives with numbing agents..and each time, it gets harder and harder to let go. I don’t want our next meet to be at Rob’s resting place, but if that is the case, then so be it.
As far as I am concerned, Rob is a legend. Most legends self-destruct, but they are not loved less because of it.
October 8th, 2005 on 8:59 pm
I always knew he wasn’t tough enough to be a Yankee. I’ll come with you, Dax, next blogmeet. You dance with the red headed slut. I’m going to bury good old Yankee raised Lobster Tails under his headstone.
October 8th, 2005 on 9:41 pm
Hell I’ll dance with Dax, but I wanna eat one of them lobsters first!
October 8th, 2005 on 10:42 pm
It’s MY life, Dax. And I’m fucking tired of hurting every day.
October 8th, 2005 on 11:10 pm
When I went to my first blogmeet last year in Helen, Rob asked me, “What the hell possessed you to come here all the way from New Jersey?” I was very candid when I told him, “I came here to meet you and play some guitar with you.” I’m glad I met him, and I got to meet him again (and play more guitar) with him and his brother. He is a great guy, but he is his own guy - stubborn as a mule. I, for one, hope both he and you are wrong. I’ve got some more guitar playing to do.
October 9th, 2005 on 3:23 am
wow, he kind of looks so beautiful there. f*cking drunks…why do they have to be such heartbreakers too?
October 9th, 2005 on 8:01 am
… I’ll be there too, Dax…
October 9th, 2005 on 8:27 am
Dax….I’ve been ’sitting on the sidelines’ reading you for some time. I found you via A-man and stayed with you via A-man. I know it took alot of courage to not only write that but to post it. I have never met Rob but read him everyday. I try to email him interesting stuff whenever I can. He is the only person I have never met that gets email from me pretty regular. I don’t do it because I feel sorry for him. I guess I do it because I feel I owe something back to this man whom has poured his soul into us for going on 5 years. Now that he seems to be running on empty, maybe we need to step back and hope and pray that somehow he will soon be back to his old self. In any case, it is his to decide. Thanks for sharing your heart.
October 9th, 2005 on 12:16 pm
I too hope he can pull out of it.
October 9th, 2005 on 2:35 pm
Rob isn’t going to pull out of it, because Rob doesn’t WANT to pull out of it. In fact, he admitted.. to my face in Helen… that he is purposely helping the process along. He WANTS to die. I don’t like it. But I have to respect it. He has chosen a course, and he will not vary from it for anyone.
After meeting the man, I understand Dax’s frustration. Rob is funny, charming, witty, angry, hurting and stubborn as a mule. He’d give you the shirt off your back, if he could. He’d also cuss you up one side and down the other if he thought you were acting like a fool. He simply doesn’t want to hear it about himself from anyone else. I suspect that’s because there’s no one on earth who realizes who he is and who he isn’t better than Rob Smith himself.
I wish him… Godspeed. And peace. You can’t wish him well. He doesn’t want to get well, and he’s making damned sure no one can make him well against his own will.
And, yes, Dax. We all know he’s dying. Damn it all anyway.
October 9th, 2005 on 3:21 pm
Hard post to read, Dax, but I suspect it wasn’t particularly easy to write, either. I agree with what you have to say. It’s a damn shame that Rob’s pissing away all that he still has to offer. Worse still is that some of his so-called friends encourage and support his habits. He and I had a long talk in Helen and I’m glad that we got the opportunity to do so. I miss the old Rob. The Rob that fought the good fight. The Rob that did The Right Thing even if it was tough. There’s nothing noble or memorable about what he’s doing to himself now, though, and the fact that he’s killing himself while his son still needs a dad….well…I don’t respect that. Hopefully he’ll come back to life.
October 9th, 2005 on 6:18 pm
Just Damn…I would call that downtown.
October 9th, 2005 on 7:02 pm
Proabably one of the more honest posts around. Look, all of us who have known and loved Rob (some for longer than me) are pretty much at our wits end. In our minds, we think that we are helping him. By prodding him. By calling him names. But what does that do? Rob is a grown man and he has to make his OWN decision about whether to live or die. It’s his life. It’s his right. To call him names? That doesn’t work. What good is contacting his daughter or his brother going to do? Why are you placing this or any of this on them? Sure, they could easily have him comitted with where he is at right now. What’s gonna happen when he gets out? Nothing has changed. He still doesn’t want to live. As much as I fucking hate that, it’s HIS CHOICE. I can’t change that. And it’s taken alot of time for me to understand it.
You know…the little boot lickers that follow him around and praise him and worship at his feet? The regular commentors of the “Rob can do no wrong club?” They make me want to vomit. Big chunks. At one post where he says he doesn’t feel good…there are alot of seriously negative posts…Oh…but then? When he posts why? OMG..the people come out in droves (the same ones) and apologize and support him.
It’s one fucking side or the other. Either you support him (and not like it) or not. You can only go so far…and that is to let him know you are there.
I don’t like it that he is letting himself go. But I’m damn well not going to let that destroy me. I’ll be there. I’ll let him know I’m there. But in the end. He has to be the one to make the choice.
It doesn’t mean I have to like it. And it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt…
October 10th, 2005 on 1:17 pm
I’m glad I got the chance to meet Rob in Helen this year, but I gotta say, it was depressing at the same time. Being among friends is a good thing for him, but being among friends with the Bottomless Tank of Alcohol around is not. Whether that’s his Main Problem, his Only Problem, or a Peripheral Problem (I tend to think it’s Number One), it ain’t helping.
Rob’s a big boy, and he’s old enough to make his own decisions…but I hate like hell to see a creative, intelligent man self-destruct. It pisses me off. It’s a tragic waste. Crap.
October 10th, 2005 on 2:56 pm
Thanks Dax. Rob was one of the primary reasons I started blogging last July and the primary reason that I have enjoyed some success with my site. He gave me several links and plugs that started the meter rolling with the acidbaths and some came back and have became regulars. He is indeed one of the ‘tall dogs’ and has a hell of a way with words. I hate to see him die but I also understand his decision. I’ll miss him and maybe join you at the tombstone next year.
October 10th, 2005 on 5:33 pm
I’m sure it wasn’t an easy post to write. Much less to think about writing. I thik Moogie’s on target. Several others have made valid points as well. There’s only so beat down you can get by life before fightin’ the “good fight” loses some of it’s appeal. If you don’t believe that, you aint been that beat down before. I’ve sympathised with his predicament with his son and his ex. I, especially, would have a hard time with that one. So much to pass on, and such a lackin’ conduit to do so. Any of you all think that wouldn’t be “frustrating” to say the least? I don’t wish him harm. I wish he’d suffer on, for there will come a day, but no one can say when that day will come. There’ll come a day when he can be with his boy, and there’ll come a day when his boy can be with him. I’m hopin’ it’s not at his funeral. We all know he’s gonna do what he wants… What he thinks is best. Sometimes when one is down, really down, whats best for “all” becomes confused with what best for “me”. Havin’ my children legally ripped from me, with backin’ by “law” would devastate most of us with children. Imagine it. I only can “imagine” it. But, that imagination is one I’d never want to see come to life. To me, and it sounds like to Rob, that imagination is now a reality. I’m not sayin’ he can’t carry on. He can. It’s like this, in my opinion… you either want to outlive the bitch, and have things set back right, or you let her piss on your grave, ’cause you know she will… I’d rather be a broke down ol’ sumbitch that love mine long enough to be ’round then one that caved. I’m not pointin’ fingers now, ’cause I don’t actually “know” what he’s goin’ through. Like I said, to this point, I can only “imagine”.
October 10th, 2005 on 6:23 pm
Don’t any of you understand depression?
October 10th, 2005 on 7:06 pm
wow dax, you know, i knew i could trust you to call a spade a spade. eloquent, great post.
October 10th, 2005 on 7:06 pm
People! Maybe I didn’t make myself clear in the post. Rob Smith is drinking himself to death. It’s not cancer. It’s self destruction plain and simple! Leaving Las Vegas is a movie about a man who drinks himself to death. When Rob told me that he is “Leaving Las Vegas,” he was telling me that he is going to continue to drink himself to death. I felt it was disingenuous for him to simple state on his Blog that he is merely dying. He is killing himself for reasons only known to him.
Call it depression or whatever you want to. Rob Smith is the only one to change his behavior. If he doesn’t, he’s dead and I will miss my friend.
Just Damn!
October 10th, 2005 on 9:01 pm
Though I came to Helen as merely an onlooker, it was indeed a pleasure to meet everyone. It was certainly painful and somewhat frightening to meet Rob. I hear Elisson talk about him frequently and even occasionally read his blog, and so I couldn’t read this post without commenting…not something I frequently do. What I don’t think Rob realizes is what a selfish act suicide is, and that is what he is doing…committing suicide. His pain may go away, but the pain that those he leaves behind will suffer will never really go away. The victims of suicide are those left behind not the one that exits. With first hand knowledge of that pain, I can say that this selfish act will undermine qualities Rob seems to stand for: strength, courage, daring and manhood.
October 10th, 2005 on 9:55 pm
I put up a post asking his friends to do an intervention. A few people do not agree with me that he is committing suicide. What people fail to realize is that people who are in the state of depression that Rob is undoubtly in, simply are not capable of rational thought. It is an illness, but it’s treatable. I know, I’ve been there.
What people fail to realize is that he is asking for help. When someone is going to commit suicide, they just do it. They take an overdose, shoot themselves…. Rob told all his friends he was killing himself, he told the world he is dying. Those are cries for help!
I don’t think he wants to die, I’m sure he wants an end to his pain, and pain is all he can think about. He needs people to help him. Take him to the doctor, if he won’t go willingly, have him committed. It takes 3 people to commit someone in Wisconsin, Ga may be different.
Once he has been given some medication, he needs his friends and family to make sure he takes it, to keep him away from alcohol and make sure he eats. When his state of mind clears, he will realize how much better he feels. He’s at the rock bottom now. If he doesn’t get the help he needs, he will die.
October 10th, 2005 on 11:48 pm
Livey –
You are correct. Rob is committing suicide. He’s doing it by booze, pills and blog. He’s doing it WILLFULLY. And he’s been working on it for a long time. I’ve looked him in the eye and had this conversation. He KNOWS what he is doing. It’s what he WANTS to do. Believe me when I tell you, he wants this… AND, if you intervene, he’ll do it when his mind is more clear without the booze, the pills and the blog.
This isn’t anything new. This is just more apparent because Rob has finally, really, chosen to reveal him to people.
Look. I really like the guy. And I, quite frankly, don’t give a rat’s ass if it he doesn’t like me. But I have had an opportunity few people have, and I know that he’s pretty damned resolute about what he’s doing. He told me. Not in pretty words. And I believe him.
I don’t like this ONE LITTLE BIT. But the man has made his mind up. Intervention will only prolong his agony. This is not about your guilt. It’s about Rob’s choice. Cripes! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am. Quit putting your own stuff on Rob. It’s not going to change what he’s doing for a second. Wish him Godspeed. But don’t expect him to change. It’s not going to happen.
If I thought for one minute that he was crying for help, I’d be shouting it from the mountain tops. He’s not. He’s relating facts as he sees them.
Hate it. Scream out loud. Have a good friend hold you when you cry when you hear he’s gone. But don’t expect the man to change. He’s not going to. Damn it all, any way…
October 11th, 2005 on 9:19 am
Omnibus Driver, I know this isn’t about me, don’t make the assumption that I think it is. I don’t feel the least bit guilty. Maybe it’s cultural differences, but I just don’t understand that you people can’t or won’t comprehend that the man has not been able to make a rational decision about himself for a long time. I guess none of you really understand depression.
October 12th, 2005 on 1:09 am
Sorry Livey, you just keep hammering on that “depression” thing a little too hard. All of us can read, and some of us read YOUR blog, which seems to relate personal difficulties also.
“Physician”, heal thyself, first.
October 12th, 2005 on 9:22 am
Dayum.
October 12th, 2005 on 12:33 pm
A dying friend
UPDATE: 101205 0930 PDT: This post has generated a lot of emotion and soul-searching. That is a good thing, because the subject of dying should be taken from all angles, whether it is our own life we discuss, or some other’s. Please follow the comment…
October 12th, 2005 on 7:57 pm
Dax, this was one great post, but tragic, too. I’m impressed with all the love so many people have for A-man, but, he doesn’t love life. Isn’t that ironic - the man who seemed to know just what was wrong with EVERYTHING couldn’t fix himself. Perhaps he needs an AA meeting - attitude ajustment, learn to love rather than hate. Hate corrodes. And Acidman has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just hope he doesn’t take everyone else down with him. What a sorry legacy for his children.
October 13th, 2005 on 10:05 am
Bonita you are such a wise woman! I guess he has to die now that his public has determined he has a terminal illness and give him their blessing.
October 13th, 2005 on 10:12 pm
Just a comment from a multi-blog lurker: my ex tried to kill himself with alcohol and depression. When it didn’t work fast enough, he used a .38. Whether Acidman likes it or not, people are praying for him. Thank you for telling the truth.
October 15th, 2005 on 12:11 pm
You know what comes out of a Coca-Cola bottle when it gets shook real well? Whatever was in there.
Rob’s world got shook real well, and what I observed on his blog over the last few years was a boundary-crashing, self-centered, pathological, fantasist, sorry ass. I watched as he willfully and happily betrayed friends, other bloggers, and travelling companions who (stupidly) found themselves the subject of his writings. His summation of all his offenses: they had it coming, it was their fault, they just don’t get it, I’m just that way, etc. And some of his targets cheapen the grace they extended to him by never calling him on the real point: all the shit that was in his life long before he caught his ex in the arms of another man. Cuz that kind of pathology doesn’t just spring up overnight, it was in there and had a history.
Well, he’s had his revenge, I guess. Hope it was as sweet as he thought it should be. But the ability to blithely hurt others in order to run from your own pain is a coward’s act. Someone, some REAL JUST-DAMN MEN should’ve whupped his ass long before now. But the fun’s over, children, ya’ll had your laughs, and it’s a bit too little, too late.
October 15th, 2005 on 1:05 pm
Been reading Rob’s blog for quite a while now. Been reading others who comment on his condition. Some kind. Some blunt. Some don’t give a shit. I hoped that it’s not cancer and I’m glad that it’s not cancer…I’ve known many “Robs” in my life. They’re like a stunt pilot - sometimes they pull out of the dive in time…sometimes they buy the farm, so I have hope. Rob, haul back on that stick! I want to click on your link a lot more and know you’ll be there with your humor, wisdom and, yes, your bullshit!
October 16th, 2005 on 11:24 am
INSTALANCHE!
Congrats, Dax.
October 16th, 2005 on 12:13 pm
A tune for the Acid-dude!
I am VERY glad to read this post. Some devils are hard to put to bed and he’s had a big’un. Now, he’s on his way. My best wishes go to the Accidic Personage! Angel In Savannah mp3playdownload
October 16th, 2005 on 10:56 pm
I keep seeing the word choice….it’s his CHOICE. There is no choice when one is perpetually full of booze and pills. They rule you. Also, alcohol is a depressant. I’ve been there, and now I’m not. Dax, you told the truth very powerfully. And I’m so happy to hear that Rob is going for help.
October 17th, 2005 on 12:21 am
Livey, Maggie — depression is one thing. Dual diagnosis is another, and the doctors don’t want to touch it, for a good reason. You have to fix the booze part first. They can’t deal with your brain chemistry until you stop screwing around with it. When it all works, you can accept your own mortality without understanding it, and your own limitations without condemning yourself. There is no way to get there until you stop obscuring things with drink or drugs.
Acidman is taking the right step. My best friend died because he refused to go to the doctor, a kind of passive suicide. Sometimes I forgive him, sometimes I take it back.
October 17th, 2005 on 2:47 pm
Mitch, EXACTLY! Turns out after getting all the booze out of me for a while, I WASN’T depressed. But I was very lucky in that I got an alcoholism counsellor who was way ahead of his time(21years ago), and knew that good nutrition, which means whole foods, enough protein, and no sugar, was of utmost importance, not only for my physical health, but also my emotional health. I know from experience just how important, when about 15 years sober I started sugar and junk food again, and began a long slow slide into suicidal depression. I was on an antidepressant, but all that does is keep what little serotonin my body was manufacturing in the receptors. Luckily, and just by happenstance, I found Kathleen DesMaison’s program Radiantrecovery…which is pretty much like my counsellor had me eat 21 years ago. Huge difference in how I feel. Very simple, but totally amazing.